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CHARACTERS:
JADE EMPEROR
GUARDIAN LIONS (2)
CRANE
TORTOISE
GRASSHOPPER
PIG
PIG FRIEND
DOG
DOG FRIEND
ROOSTER
MONKEY
GOAT
SNAKE
HORSES (2)
RABBITS (3)
DRAGON
PANDAS (2)
TIGER
RATS (3)
CAT
CAT FRIEND
and a CHORUS composed of all students who are not playing roles on stage at the time.
(CLASS enters and fills the back of the stage or room. The EMPEROR and TWO GUARDIAN LIONS step forward, one on each side of the EMPEROR.)
LION #1 (shouts): Make way for the Jade Emperor!
LION #2 (shouts to audience): Everybody bow!
EMPEROR: No, no. They don't need to bow. We're all friends here.
LION #2: Then...everybody throw money!
EMPEROR: Don't be silly. That's not a Chinese custom.
LION #2: I know.
(pointing to audience)
But THEY might not know that.
EMPEROR (to audience): I am the Jade Emperor. These are my Guardian Lions. They have come with me today to hear the news.
LION #2: There's news?
LION #1: About the race!
LION #2: There was a RACE?
LION #1: Didn't you get the memo?
LION #2: There was a MEMO? Wait. How could there be a memo? We haven't invented writing yet.
EMPEROR: You are right. This is very ancient China, long before the Shang Dynasty, when Chinese civilization began in the Huang-He Valley. So long ago that people ate with just one chopstick! I summoned all the animals to a race across the Yellow River. The winners will be announced today!
Song 1:
EMPEROR and LIONS: Let me tell you what I've done
CHORUS: Oh please tell us what you've done
EMPEROR and LIONS: Let me tell you 'bout the fun
CHORUS: The Emperor is number one!
EMPEROR and LIONS: I set up a contest
CHORUS: Oooh!
EMPEROR and LIONS: A little river race
CHORUS: Oh boy!
EMPEROR and LIONS: I had all the Chinese animals competing
for first place.
EMPEROR and LIONS: Let me tell you 'bout the prize
CHORUS: Oh please tell us 'bout the prize
EMPEROR and LIONS: It'll open up your eyes.
CHORUS: Oh I just love a good surprise.
EMPEROR and LIONS: There's no silly trophy
CHORUS: No?
EMPEROR and LIONS: We have no silly plaque
CHORUS: No plaque!
EMPEROR and LIONS: The first twelve to finish get to be the
Chinese zodiac.
CHORUS: The what?
EMPEROR and LIONS: The Chinese zodiac.
(VARIOUS members of CHORUS look
around -- they act puzzled and surprised,
and they can ask "What?" and "Did you
hear that?" etc.)
EMPEROR, LIONS and CHORUS:
Everybody's buzzin'
Who'll be the winning dozen?
Twelve years in a cycle in the Chinese zodiac
Every year will feature
A different winning creature
The names will all derive
From the order they arrive.
EMPEROR and LIONS: Now let's see who came in first
CHORUS: Yeah let's see who came in first
EMPEROR and LIONS: And we'll see who was the worst.
CHORUS: Oh boy I'd hate to be the worst.
EMPEROR and LIONS: Did the dragon win it?
CHORUS: Ooooh.
EMPEROR and LIONS: And what about the yak?
CHORUS: Go yak!
EMPEROR AND LIONS: Let's find out the final order of the
Chinese zodiac.
CHORUS: That's right!
EMPEROR, LIONS and CHORUS: Let's find out the final order
of the Chinese zodiac.
(SONG ends; EMPEROR addresses the audience)
EMPEROR: The race has just finished, and it is time to learn the results.
LION #1: So who won?
EMPEROR: Patience, my noble companion. We must wait for the official announcement.
LION #2 (excited): You mean...?
EMPEROR: Yes.
LION #2 (very excited): Oh boy!
BOTH LIONS: AN AWARDS SHOW!
(EMPEROR and LIONS exit. Immediately the TORTOISE,
CRANE, and GRASSHOPPER enter.)
CRANE (to audience, speaking with the energy and enthusiasm of a host): That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to The Great Race Awards Show, or as we like to call it, Wet Animals Tell All. I'm your host, the Crane, and these are my co-hosts, Tortoise and Grasshopper.
TORTOISE: Thanks, Crane. I'm known for my longevity -- I've spent years getting to know the contestants up close and personal. The Crane here is also known for his longevity, and he's the prince of feathered birds. He's also great at lifting heavy objects.
(pause)
Get it? Crane? Heavy objects?
(taps microphone)
Is this thing on?
CRANE (moving on, now pointing to GRASSHOPPER): And Grasshopper is here because he's a symbol of good luck. And there's something else. What is it you do, Grasshopper?
GRASSHOPPER (speaks reflectively, holding one hand up in air. GRASSHOPPER's lines, when in quotations, are from Confucius and should be spoken as if containing the wisdom of the world.): "The superior man is modest in his speech, but exceeds in his actions."
CRANE: That's right! You utter folksy wisdom completely out of context. Now I remember. But this is The Great Race Awards Show, so let's get to the results.
TORTOISE: Excellent! And the winner is...
CRANE (interrupting): Wait! You can't just announce the winner. The first twelve to cross the river will become the animals in the Chinese Zodiac. And the winner gets to be the first symbol -- it's a HUGE honor!
TORTOISE: Sorry. I just get so excited. I guess we should start with number twelve.
GRASSHOPPER: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
CRANE (reflects): That's great, Grasshopper. Makes ya think.
(High level of energy again, steps in front of
GRASSHOPPER towards audience)
And while you're thinking, let's bring out the winners and some of their supporters. Here they are...in twelfth place, the Pig, and in eleventh place, the Dog!
(CHORUS applauds. PIGS and DOGS enter.)
TORTOISE: Whoa! You guys are really good swimmers. I thought you would do a little better.
PIG FRIEND (pointing to PIG): He got off to a good start.
PIG: Yeah -- I think I was ahead for the first three seconds. Then I smelled soy sauce.
DOG: I don't know what happened to me. I figured I'd win for sure.
DOG FRIEND: Maybe it was a lack of concentration...
(spins head quickly to look at side of stage and stops in mid-
word; now really excited)
...Hey, did someone throw a stick?
DOG (excited): Stick?!
DOG FRIEND: STICK!
BOTH DOGS (quickly, not together, looking all around excitedly): Stick! Stick stick! Stick!
TORTOISE: I think I see the problem.
Song 2
PIGS (stepping up and facing audience):
The race begins
I take one step
And that's when I run out of pep.
Postpone that zodiac
I really need a snack.
DOGS (having settled down):
The race begins
I jump right in
I'm thinking I will probably win.
But first I need to stretch
How 'bout a game of fetch?
PIGS and DOGS:
If you asked us how we spent the day
Well we'd have to say...
We're chillin'
Yeah we're chillin'
Our minds say go but our four feet aren't willin'
We're chillin'
Something's grillin'
A small delay
But that's okay
We're chillin'.
PIGS:
My stomach full
With tea and rice
The river mud feels warm and nice.
Now all my strength is sapped
I really need a nap.
DOGS:
It's time to go
I must be quick
But I just can't resist that stick.
I ought to swim across
But maybe one more toss?
PIGS and DOGS:
If you asked us how we spent the day
Well we'd have to say...
PIGS, DOGS, and CHORUS:
We're chillin'
Yeah we're chillin'
Our minds say go but our four feet aren't willin'
We're chillin'
Something's grillin'
A small delay
But that's okay
We're chillin'
Yeah we're chillin'
Yeah we're chillin'.
(THEY exit.)
CRANE: Well, there you have it -- the last two animals in the Chinese zodiac.
GRASSHOPPER: "Never give a sword to a man who can't dance."
CRANE: Hmmn. That sounds like solid advice, Grasshopper. It will certainly change my gift-giving habits.
(to audience)
Now let's keep the awards flowing. Who's up next, Tortoise?
TORTOISE: Tenth, ninth, and eighth place go to three animals who floated across the river together. And here they are, that terrific trio, that thrilling threesome, the triumphant triplets -- and my personal vote for animals least likely to end up on a raft together -- the Rooster, the Monkey, and the Goat!
(ROOSTER, MONKEY, and GOAT enter; CHORUS
applauds)
CRANE: Congratulations!
MONKEY: For what?
CRANE: For making it into the Chinese zodiac.
MONKEY: We did? That's great! That's fantastic!
(pause)
What's the Chinese zodiac?
GOAT (apparently appalled): What's the Chinese zodiac? You don't know what the Chinese zodiac is?
MONKEY: No. What is it?
GOAT: I have no idea. I thought we were just trying to cross the river to get to the other side.
MONKEY: That was the chicken.
ROOSTER: The Chinese zodiac is a system based on the twelve-year cycle of the Chinese lunar calendar. Each year in the cycle is related to an animal and its attributes. The Pig, for example, is honest, sturdy, and patient. And the Dog is loyal, fair, and compassionate.
MONKEY: So we all have to be up in the sky now? I get air-sick. Somebody should have told me.
ROOSTER: No. Unlike in some other cultures, the Chinese zodiac has nothing to do with the stars or constellations.
TORTOISE: You should all be proud of working together to get across the river. Why didn't you just go separately?
GOAT: That was easy...
MONKEY, ROOSTER, GOAT: We can't swim!
This concludes the first one-third of the script.
